line, twitter facebook and all the mobile device with our abc 7 news app. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, patricia heaton from "silicon valley," t.j. miller. the national school scrabble champs and music from little dragon. with cleto and the cletones. and now, you best believe it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for watching.

did you guys -- did you hear that toronto mayor rob ford's car got arrested? [ laughter ] he was not in it, but his car, a cadillac escalade, was involved in a dui. this is a weird story. so rob ford is in -- well, we think he's in rehab in a town about two hours from toronto. somehow a woman named leanne mcrobb wound up in his car. that is a picture of leanne. [ laughter ] doing god's work. killing clowns, i guess. [ laughter ] she was driving not too far from the rehab facility. police saw her weaving in traffic. they pulled her over and charged her with driving under the influence. how she got hold of the mayor's car and keys we do not know. police said she did have permission to drive it. but of course they impounded it anyway because that's what they do. and even stranger, when reporters went to the impound lot today, they found that the license plates have mysteriously disappeared from the vehicle. a radio station up there got some very fishy-looking video of

this leanne mcrobb dropping the mayor's name and then acting like she didn't want to talk about it. it almost seemed like the video was -- was faked. except for the part where she was actually arrested. leanne mcrobb. you know what a mcrobb is? it's half rob ford, half mcrib. [ laughter ] this rob ford is something else. he's not even in it. his car gets pulled over for dui even when he's not i it. [ laughter ] it's unprecedented. so we'll keep an eye or two on that. meanwhile -- [ cheers and applause ] i had a strange experience of my own today. this morning on "the view" jenny mccarthy and sherri shepherd were doing their what's popping segment. this is where they figure out what's popping. [ laughter ] and all of a sudden i don't know what prompted this but i found myself being attacked. >> last week jimmy fallon treated everyone on "the view" to a free pizza lunch. check out the card he said. here's some pizza to help you

through your first day without barbara. from jimmy fallon and the tonight show. >> i love it. and jimmy fallon's not even on our network. which got us to thinking. jimmy kimmel, it's time to represent. >> that's right. >> you don't want jimmy fallon getting the upper hand and being known as the generous jimmy. come on. i love ice cream. >> it doesn't have to be food at all. don't limit yourself. >> i'm going to be honest. i love jimmy fallon. i love jimmy kimmel. but the jimmy i love most is jimmy choo. >> and this is not about us. it's about you. >> jimmy: what the hell is going on over there? [ laughter ] barbara's been gone what, four days? they're already begging for handouts. this is ridiculous. let me explain something because this seems to be a hard one for a lot of people to understand. the fact that jimmy fallon and i have the same first name does not mean we share responsibilities.

[ laughter ] if he wants to send you pizza, that has nothing to do with me. just because my name is -- i'm not sending you anything. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in fact, you know where i am going to send pizzas? i'll tell you where. to "the talk." [ applause ] because i can't tell the difference between them and you either. [ laughter ] how dare you try to bully me? i might send pizza to kathie lee and hoda too. ebay is a big mess today. you know, the data base that had passwords and information for all 145 million e bay users got hacked. and because of that they're urging everyone who has an ebay account to change their passwords. they say the hackers may have access to members' names, addresses, phone numbers, dates of birth, all sorts of information -- >> jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: yes.

>> jimmy kimmel, package from you. ebay. >> jimmy: oh. well, i didn't order anything from ebay. >> well, this is for you. >> jimmy: oh. all right. well, what is -- do you know what it is? >> let's see. wow. it's a daddy saddle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know what that is. i didn't order a daddy saddle. >> lucky. look. built for hours of fun. >> jimmy: yeah. >> how much did you bid on it? >> jimmy: i didn't bid ton. i think my ebay account was hacked. i didn't order this. >> are you going to use it? >> jimmy: no. >> can i have it? >> jimmy: yeah, you can have it. >> yeah! i got a daddy saddle! i got a daddy saddle! i got a daddy saddle! [ applause ] >> jimmy: he left his thing. what year is this from? [ laughter ]

this is how they did it in the '80s. all right. meanwhile, you know google is continuing with their mission to make sure we're never not looking at advertisements. google has informed the s.e.c. -- i'm going to put this down. that it hopes to one day put ads on refrigerators, car dashboards, thermostats, glasses, watches, and many other items. i guess the idea is google would sell you these appliances, or whatever, for a deeply discounted price and then in exchange every time you use it you will see an advertisement. like if you wanted to turn the air-conditioning on they'll try to sell you a sweater, i guess, or something. it's diabolical. and what a waste. this is what the smartest people in the country are working on. instead of wing a nobel prize, their obituary is going to say bill used his 187 iq to figure out how to put commercials on your windshield. he crashed into a mailbox and died. [ laughter ] in other invasive technology news, facebook has a terrifying new feature. this one, and this is real, uses

the microphone in your smartphone to listen in on what music, movies, or tv shows you're watching or hearing, and then it posts that information directly to your facebook page. it turns everything you're doing into a status update. you have to hand it to facebook. each time i figure they've become as creepy as possible, somehow they find a way to be even creepier than that. they say the feature makes it -- is designed to make it easier for users to share. well, thank you. i believe i speak for a lot of people when i say we're good on sharing. [ applause ] we've had enough. do we really want facebook listening in and reporting on everything we do? because if this goes well you know where they're headed next. ♪ >> i still love you. trevor. so much. >> no. what is happening? >> i can't stop listening to adel and crying but.

take me back, please. >> no. stop. i'm not doing this. >> i want to cut stephanie's brakes so she drives off a cliff and dies. >> no. i mean, a little bit i do but i don't know that -- >> emily. the police are here. >> ma'am, put the laptop down and your hands behind your back. >> oh, my god. i -- okay. >> facebook. we're inside your head. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we won't be laughing. it's over. the machines have won. i mean, for god's sake. rob ford's escalade is drunk. we're in trouble. [ laughter ] i've been looking forward to tonight's show because we have an annual tradition here. every year we invite the winners of the national school scrabble championship to come to l.a. to play against me. and you guys are in for a treat because i'll tell you something, the only thing more exciting than playing scrabble is watching scrabble. be played. [ laughter ] my challengers tonight are a

14-year-old from magnolia, texas named jacob sass. he'd better not give me any sass either. and a 13-year-old from skillman, new jersey named thomas drieper. they defeated 69 teams from the united states and canada to earn the national school scrabble title. and let's meet our scrabble-rousers now, shall we? please say hello to jacob and thomas. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: welcome. welcome. welcome, gentlemen. how are you? good, good, good. are you nervous? would either of you like a cigarette? >> no, thank you. >> jimmy: okay. very good. guillermo, i'm going to need you to help me right here here. one of you lives in texas. the other lives in new jersey. how did you become a team? >> we met on -- >> jimmy: match.com? >> online. yeah. they have a special scrabble section. >> jimmy: very good. so you met online. you were looking for some kind of a teammate. you guys -- you competed in this, what, three times? this is your third time?

>> probably. >> jimmy: probably? [ laughter ] >> you don't remember? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. they're squirrelly, these too. >> yeah. what about the other one? >> jimmy: let's get into this game. he we borrowed the scrabble board from shaquille o'neal. this is his personal -- [ laughter ] kevin works for hasbro. he's a vice president at hasbro. he's going to be our official judge here. [ cheers and applause ] you know all the rules. you guys pick a tile. whoever gets closest to a goes first. >> actually, i was thinking of letting you go first. >> jimmy: you're going to let me go first? >> yeah. ladies first. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. i think i have an f and a u. [ laughter ] they're going to let us go first, guillermo. guillermo, are you going to be helpful to me here? here, take these. >> good luck. >> jimmy: we need seis tiles.

or to, siete. >> we've got five. >> jimmy: okay. we've got two more right here. all right. did you guys want tiles or are you going to be able to win this without them? >> i think we need them. >> jimmy: okay. very good. there you go. all right. did you write "the enemy" on your scorecard? us versus the enemy? >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what's going on here? all right. well, i'm going to start things off could use some help with. and that is humor. lu add that up? >> it's 28 points. >> jimmy: how many points? >> 28 points. >> jimmy: 28 points. we're going to play five rounds total throughout the show. unless somebody falls asleep, in which case we will call it a tie. here, guillermo, take those. >> we need two more. >> jimmy: a couple more.

okay. what's going on over there? you guys thinking? >> yes. >> is that a word? >> jimmy: you know, when we win, i'm going to take your trophy and melt it down and add it to my scrabble throne. [ laughter ] it's just a tv show we've got going here. >> 22? >> 22. >> jimmy: heave. all right. all right. that's a word. [ applause ] kevin, who's in -- who's winning this thing right now, kevin? >> you are. 28-22. >> jimmy: oh, how about that? maybe we should just stop right here. [ laughter ] all right. guillermo. wow. okay. we don't have great stuff here.

>> i agree with you. >> jimmy: thank you. [ laughter ] all right. we've got heavier and art. kevin, you add that up. >> six, seven, eight. twelve. 13, 14 -- 18 points. [ applause ] gives you a total of 46. >> jimmy: 46. that's higher than their score, right? >> yeah. more than double. >> jimmy: ooh. wow. some champions you guys are. do you think either of you will ever be able to grow a mustache? [ laughter ] >> not a chance.fl% >> jimmy: that's nice. forgot that.

oh, no. oh, wow. >> 39? >> 39. >> jimmy: all right. you got 39. >> 39. that gives them a total of 61. >> jimmy: for a total of 61. should we take -- i have the rest of the show to do. so here's what we're going to do. you keep an eye on these guys. >> okay. >> jimmy: all right?pv i'm going to -- maybe i should just lay one down right now. i'm going to lay one down real right there. okay. and then we'll take it back over to them. and you keep an eye on them. you guys work on your turn. or whatever you want to do. and guillermo, you keep on eye on them. okay? let's see what we've got there. >> like babysitter. >> jimmy: yeah. let the babies have their bottle. >> that's 17. >> jimmy: all right, fellas, i'll see you guys in a while. [ applause ] close it up on them. i don't want to see their faces.

so dumb. i wish i was kidding about any of this, by the way. [ laughter ] all right. it's thursday night. it is time now for our weekly tribute to the fcc where we bleep and blur things whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> why would you say that you have a fabulous [ bleep ] and love to have sex? >> i personally think i have a great fabulous [ bleep ]. >> how much more pride does that give you as you watch her run? >> well, i [ bleep ] her mom. >> 25 men from all across the country all here to [ bleep ] you. are you ready to go? >> i am. let's do this. >> fire. >> yeah. >> let me start with hand [ bleep ]. they're saying hand [ bleep ] can be as dangerous as [ bleep ]ing. >> just reading about it makes you want to take a [ bleep ]. >> it's easy to go into the

dance when your body is warm and [ bleep ] a little bit. >> let me stick my [ bleep ] in that hole. >> be my guest. >> coming up we're going to tell you how you can [ bleep ] yourself. >> the chula vista community is on edge as the search continues for a serial [ bleep ]er. >> some say that is unfair because they don't [ bleep ] big [ bleep ]. >> i never expected to -- >> those in attendance get an albert pujols bobblinghead. >> name something that might be hard to do right after getting a [ bleep ] job. ♪ it's a wonderful world of [ bleep ] ♪ ♪ take a look around from the sky to the ground at the [ bleep ] that you can see ♪ ♪ oh, the different [ bleep ] ♪ the different [ bleep ] ♪ the different [ bleep ] you'll see ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: from "silicon valley" t.j. miller is here. music from little dragon. we'll play more scrabble with the kids. and we'll be right back with patricia heaton. !

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back.

guillermo and i are in the middle of a pretty hot game against the national school scrabble champions, jacob and thomas. my last word was a-i and q-i. i combined those and got a triple word score. what's the score right now, kevin? >> you have 63 points and thomas and jacob have 61. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. but i think i've taken one more turn than you guys. so technically you're probably ahead. kevin belincoff is our judge here. you guys want to go ahead and put a word down? yeah? okay. go ahead. let's see what you've got, boys. oh. some dissension in the ranks. [ laughter ] you guys have had the last ten minutes to think about this and you're just now fighting? all right. >> 22. >> jimmy: oh, wow. mo and oy. that is kind of sad. [ laughter ] >> 22 points. >> jimmy: okay.

i'm going to put something down. i'll put that right there. you guys think about it. i'll get back to you. okay? there you go. all right. [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to interview patricia heaton now. no cheating either. guillermo, you keep an eye on them, okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: tonight on the program a very funny comedian and co-star of the great hbo show "silicon valley" t.j. miller is here with us. and then their new album is called "nabuma rubber band." little dragon. our first guest tonight is the emmy-winning star of the long-running shows "everybody loves raymond" and "the middle" and, as the scrabble champions have already figured out, her name can be rearranged to spell the words tapioca hairnet. that's true. you can see her now in the new movie "moms night out." please say hello to patricia heaton. [ cheers and applause ]

how are you doing? >> i'm doing good. i like tapioca hairnet. that could be my stripper name. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you play scrabble? are you a scrabble -- >> used to when the kids were little. we played lots of things. we played monopoly and we played scrabble. and you know, once we got everybody their individual xboxes -- >> jimmy: oh. >> -- i have not spoken to them in like eight years. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have four boys, right? >> i've got four boys. people come over to the house, and they're like where is everybody? oh, they're here. they're all here. and they have all their friends here. and there's not -- they're not saying a word. they have headsets on. you know, i'm always going like, guys, you have to go out and hang out with your friends. and they're like, we are, mom. we're talking to them right now. >> jimmy: we're killing our friends right now. our friends live in australia. [ laughter ] >> exactly. you know, it's exactly right.

i'm like they're just going to be losers, they're going to be living at our house the rest of their lives. then my son goes, my friend in vancouver -- how do you know someone in vancouver? oh, it's online. we play together. i'm like, they're actually international men of mystery. i didn't know that. [ laughter ] they have friends all over the world. they're spies. they're shooting things. >> jimmy: that's the only good part about it, is -- although maybe when the aliens attack i think we're going to be happy that all our young men are trained in imaginary jet fighting. [ laughter ] >> well, actually, we were in england because my husband's british. we were in england and there's this place called the imperial war museum and it's full of all these planes from every war, and you can actually go up and fly in a world war ii biplane with an r.a.f. pilot. so two of the boys, they took turns, and they went up with the pilot. and he came back down, and he walks over and he goes, "i have to tell you, your sons are quite good at flying these planes. i think you should rlly

consider them having a career as an r.a.f. pilot." [ laughter ] and he said, "i let them take charge of the controls, and they were wonderful." and i was just like, it's because they play computer games all the time. [ laughter ] they've been flying with the r.a.f. for years. >> jimmy: is there any possibility? do they show any inclination toward joining the air force? >> no. no, i have my oldest one who's in college, he is -- for this summer he's going to bartending school. which i have a feeling is going to be more useful than the degree he's getting. >> jimmy: i think you're right. [ laughter ] i think that's a very good idea. >> in fact, he just texted me a picture with this very thick notebook and he goes, this is how many drinks i've memorized already. and he flunked a class this quarter. and i said, maybe if you had spent as much time on that class you wouldn't have flunked it. he said, but that class doesn't pay $200 a night. >> jimmy: that's right. you don't get tips in that class. >> that's right. >> jimmy: will he come back home and go to bartending school?

>> well, you know, we moved this year, and we really liked this house, and we just -- we kind of didn't -- we didn't count the bedrooms correctly. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> we're one room short. and i thought after we bought, it geez, where's sam going to sleep? like -- >> jimmy: and is sam aware that he's now homeless? did you at least give him the address or are you holding that back? >> we said look, we know you love where you are and we know you want to be independent. of course we have a room for you. it's behind the kitchen next to the dog run. and the maid's in it right now. >> jimmy: oh. the maid has a room but your son -- >> we actually don't have a maid. but it is the maid's room. >> jimmy: it's the imaginary maid's room. >> i felt a little -- i feel a

little bad about it. >> well, you should. >> they need to be independent and they need to debt out there. a house with a bunch of buddies at school and he's stayed there over the summer. >> jimmy: yeah. >> because he needs a place to come over. >> jimmy: he'll just bring you his laundry, i guess. >> i know parents of girls, and they talk to their daughters ten times a day. their daughters that are away at college. seriously, i haven't even talked to the boys that are right sitting next to me at the table much less the one that's away at college. and i -- >> jimmy: you know, you need to cut off the electricity to your home. >> then we might talk to each other? >> jimmy: can you imagine, though, how upset they would be if you took those things away? >> oh, yeah. we've tried. you can't. you can't at this point. >> jimmy: we're going to take a

break here. maybe you can help me in scrabble because guillermo was no help whatsoever. patricia heaton is here. her new movie is called "mom's night ow night out." we'll be right back. >> portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by fruit of the loom and their new re-invented boxer briefs. head to fruit.com to pick up your own pair and make the change. fruit of the loom. start happy. for up to three years and be covered? . certified pre-owned sales event now through june 2nd, you'll get complimentary pre-paid maintenance and may qualify for a two-month payment credit. only at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. and applebee's new grilled vidalia onion sirloin with that fresh-from-the-farm, sweet vidalia onion taste takes you straight to your summer happy place. [ man ] whoo-hoo-hoo!

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is that a taser? >> i will tase you. >> you cannot do this. >> stand down. i will tase you, woman. >> how dare you? my husband is -- >> you came in here and start -- that was an accident.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i believe you have a lawsuit on your hands. that's "mom's night out." it's in theaters now. patricia heaton here now. that was directed by michael bay, correct? >> correct, yeah. very -- yeah. very expensive movie to make. yeah. >> jimmy: what's it like being fake tased? you have to -- >> well, you know, that was like on my bucket list of things to do in my career. it's like i want to do a western. i want to do sci-fi. i want to get tased. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. well, you know, actually, ty burrell from "modern family," we worked together on another show and he got tased on the other show that we did. so i went back through some old tapes and found his tasing and like watched how he did it, and that's how i researched it. >> jimmy: really? that is your research. >> that's my research. let the other actors do the work. >> jimmy: that's called i think paying it forward. >> something like that. or taking all the credit. >> jimmy: i might throw the word tased into -- if i can potentially work that out. the kids in the scrabble when we get back. "the middle" -- by the way,

congratulations. your show "the middle" is renewed for a sixth season. that's a lot of seasons. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. it's really great. >> jimmy: i've been asking people for the last couple weeks who've been here about the prom because it's prom season. zbla >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you go? i assume you went to the prom. >> i went to the prom. i went with the guy who was like homecoming queen, big state champion wrestler. >> jimmy: oh, boy. >> and this was a long time ago. it was sort of like '70s and there was a company called gunny sacks that made prom dress that's were all like gingham and lace and things like that. i brought this gunny sack dress. it was blue gingham. it had this big white panel down the front. and he borrowed -- the wrestling coach gave him this big cadillac. and of course we weren't supposed to be drinking but he brought a bottle of red wine. and so right before we pull over in some, you know, park somewhere, and he opens the wine, and it spilled all down this white panel.

red wine down the front. before we get to the dance. >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> of the senior prom. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> we pull up. and it's like some holiday inn or something. and i'm in the bathroom at the holiday inn trying to scrub the red wine off of my thing. but you know what? the great thing about it was i walked into the prom. and you know, your whole high school builds up to senior prom. and yet it's really lame. proms are really lame. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wouldn't know. i didn't go. yeah. >> why didn't you go? >> jimmy: i had a lot of television to watch. [ laughter ] with my parents. you know, "the gafall guy" was . and i didn't want to leave my parents alone to watch it. >> where did you go? were you in arizona? >> jimmy: las vegas. >> those proms were probably interesting. >> jimmy: we had hookers at our prom. [ laughter ] >> we did not have hookers. you probably missed a good time. i did not. i was there and nothing happened. >> jimmy: well, it all worked out. for neither of us.

well, it's very nice to see you. >> thanks. thanks for having me. >> jimmy: "mom's night out" is the movie. it's in theaters now. we're going to play scrabble. and t.j. miller, too. we'll be right back. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by anncr: right now, at the volkswagen memorial day event you can get a $500 bonus on top of all current offers on select volkswagen models including the sporty jetta s, now leasing for just $159.00 a month the remarkably versatile tiguan and the passat midsized family sedan. so, what's the shortest distance between you and a great deal on a new volkswagen? a straight line... to the volkswagen memorial day event. get 0% apr for 60 months on all 2014 passat gasoline models plus a total of $1,250 in available bonuses. up to 60% off plus 10% offday mattress spectacular get an extra 5% off or up to 60 months financing and get free delivery

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[ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: it all comes down to this. the thrilling conclusion to our scrabble game. fellas, the last word i put down was coy. right, guillermo? >> right, jimmy. >> jimmy: all right. very good. so you guys get a turn, then i get a turn, then you get one more turn, right? >> yep. >> jimmy: then it's all going to be over. wow. i can't believe it. [ laughter ] all right. it's right now 85-83. what are you doing over there? >> 22. >> jimmy: okay. ivory. all right. wow. [ applause ] ivory. >> that's 22 points. >> jimmy: all right. i have a word that i'm going to dedicate to both of you. [ laughter ]

>> 41 points. >> jimmy: thank you very much. all right, guys. you've got to get 21 points to tie this thing. wow. the tension is really thick. you guys want to quit now? we'll go watch "the x-men," or something, a midnight screening? >> come on, kids, we don't have all day. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at them over there. i feel like we might be in a good position right now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, i pulled spaz out of nowhere, you know? >> you're very smart. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo. [ laughter ] uh-oh. uh-oh. what do they have there? let me see. gang. how many points? >> i think that's 26. >> jimmy: oh. looks like we won.

no. did we win? >> the final score, thomas and jacob 131, jimmy and guillermo 126. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. oh, we have prizes. for your valiant efforts on the scrabble field. we got you each a microsoft surface tablet. very well done. congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] there you go. there's your -- well, you're going to have to share this trophy. even though you live in different states. but there they are. jacob and thomas. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with t.j. miller. [ cheers and applause ] >> portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by fruit of the loom and their new reinvented boxer briefs. head to fruit.com to pick up your own pair and make the change. frul of t

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>> jimmy: welcome back. still to come, music from little dragons. the kids gave me books on how to learn how to play scrabble. [ laughter ] if you watch hbo for the sex, our next guest has that for you and more. he plays alpha nerd erlich bachman on a very funny show called "silicon valley." you can see the season one finale this sunday night on hbo.

please say hello to t.j. miller. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. thank you, jimmy, for saying something immediately positive about my hair. i appreciate that. i had it done before the show. >> jimmy: by the way, your hair does look really good. >> i went through -- [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. because i had it professionally blown out at a blow bar in los angeles. >> jimmy: you did not. >> yeah. my girlfriend -- my girlfriend wanted one before she went to the green room party at your show. so you know, they offered me one for free if i would stop talking. so i took it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've always wondered if guys go into the dry bar and -- >> yeah, man. they have champagne. >> jimmy: do they really?

>> yeah. those girls are having a heck of a time in there. it's a great place to meet women. they can't hear what you're saying. over the blow dry. they're like what? you're like i drive a ferrari. >> jimmy: by the way, your show is very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: as i mentioned. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's kind of rare. it's a show that -- sometimes comedies it takes a little while to catch on but this one right out of the gate. >> it's so weird to be a part of something that people like and the network is not canceling. [ laughter ] that's a very new feeling for me. >> jimmy: have you had problems with that? >> i'm kind of -- when it comes to television, i'm sort of the midas of defecation. everything i touch turns to -- are you familiar with the fable? >> jimmy: yes, yeah. >> everything i touch turns to [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] i mean, essentially, i've been on two shows that have gone and haven't even made it to the first season. one," carpoolers," jerry o'connell's finest work in my opinion. [ laughter ] and i was in a show called "goodwin game." [ cheer ] thank you. see? and it was canceled before it aired.

[ laughter ] before it even came out. >> jimmy: how would she know what's going on? >> because people liked it. they still aired it i guess so people could come up to me and be like hey, i love your show -- shut up, it's canceled. it's done. nothing you can say. it's already gone. >> jimmy: they canceled it before it premarry mered -- >> yeah. they canceled it and then said, you know, it's canceled and look for it april 1st. [ laughter ] on all your major networks. >> jimmy: so where are you from? >> denver, colorado. >> jimmy: denver, colorado. >> yeah, my parents -- it's a tough thing when you have something canceled, to tell your parents, when you have multiple things that are canceled. >> jimmy: oh. >> you say to your mother and father -- so oh, how's the show going? it got canceled. really? third one? i mean, how many times does hollywood have to tell you, t.j.? [ laughter ] it's not working! >> jimmy: were they supportive of your decision to come out here? >> oh, yeah. to be sure. my father is very business-like about it. he said, 98% of the people in the screen actors guild are not working full-time as actors.

>> jimmy: he says that to you? >> that's true. you have a 2% chance of actually making this work. but that being said, we think you have a very strong work ethic. [ laughter ] then i remember -- i went in to hug him and he just slapped my face. away with you. out the door. no, he -- they were very happy. i mean, they're excited that the show's doing well. i live-tweeted an episode on mother's day because it's sundays after "game of thrones." >> jimmy: right. [ laughter ] >> so they actually sat with me and watched it. and that was a good experience. my father fell asleep halfway through. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, he did. i think it's because he had a big meal at 5:00. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. >> but right before he fell asleep, each other person on the show that would come on he would sort of -- he'd point out how much he loved their character. oh, yeah, this martin starr, the satanist. he's my favorite. i love him. and kumal. oh, this pakistani guy's great.

everybody that comes on the screen. then i would go on the screen. he'd go -- [ snoring ] do you know anybody that does that they snore but they wake themselves up? night terror. >> jimmy: i do. >> do you do it? >> jimmy: head dives like that. yeah. >> ah! he literally has a night terror each time. a little fraction of a night terror. >> jimmy: during your show he has this. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, that is supportive. >> he does. he fell asleep. my mother didn't laugh the whole time, but she definitely -- she made it -- you know, they're very supportive. but i am playing kind of a stoner, blowhard, who's totally not self-aware, constantly drunk and high. and it's basically just a sham of a man. total fraud. i don't know where they got the idea to put me in this part. [ laughter ] a sham of a man. i mean, it is, you know -- >> jimmy: you came out here. when you moved to l.a., did they give you money? i mean, how did you -- were you coming for a job, or what? >> no, no, no. i came for "carpoolers." >> jimmy: oh, you did. you had the job beforehand.

okay. >> yeah. so i came out here and was -- yeah, it was one of two times -- i do like say, wait until los angeles gives you a reason to move out here. i disagree with that. just come out here when you think you're ready to face empty strip malls of a city. [ laughter ] but it's great. i'm in "transformers 4." >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> coming out june -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, let me tell you, your hair looks terrific. your show is fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. we're doing a -- we're doing a second season. ten episodes. coming at you real soon. >> jimmy: real soon. all right. >> the finale's coming up, and that means the end of the show. so tune in for that. >> jimmy: t.j. miller, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] sunday nights at 10:00 on hbo. we'll be right back with little dragon! [ cheers and applause ]

>> the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. 0 to 60?performance? or 60 to 0? how a car performs in a quarter-mile? or a quarter-century? is performance about the joy of driving? or the importance... of surviving? to us, performance is not about doing one thing well. it is about doing everything well. because in the end... everything matters. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

"jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by at&t and mobilizing your world. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank patricia heaton, t.j. miller, and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first their new album is called "nabuma rubberband." here with the song "klapp klapp" little dragon! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ corridor lies with the river all watery eyes i stand

there waitin' for my turn ♪ ♪ i turn with a rise the spirits blow around like a hurricane whip the girls don't mind ♪ ♪ my ice cream drip somebody found us dancing you can turn off and feel better ♪ ♪ when everything's clear like cold weather go feel better, feel better ♪ ♪ somebody from my heart sang i could turn off and never wake up and everything's clear ♪ ♪ my breath made like-steam fake feel better ♪ ♪ fallin' apart, apart apart, apart, apart finally they call my name the ghost inside ♪ ♪ can wake us to life

makin' my chair do flips by givin' into this we'll be safe every time ♪ ♪ fallin' through the floor on my broken butterfly wing everyone or the girl ♪ ♪ from the corridor sing, she sing i hear you want it don't you ♪ ♪ i know you want it don't you, don't you i see you want it, don't you i know you want it ♪ ♪ don't you, don't you fallin' apart, apart apart, apart, apart ♪ ♪ someone found us dancing you can turn off and feel better ♪ ♪ when everything's clear like cold weather go feel better, feel better ♪ ♪ somebody from my heart sang i could turn off and never wake up and everything's clear ♪ ♪ my breath made

like-steam fake feel better do you want it ♪ ♪ she says do you do you want it she says do you ♪ ♪ fallin' apart, apart apart, apart, apart ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." tonight, sugar crush. are we a nation hooked on the white stuff? >> we think we love but it's not love. it's addiction. >> the controversial new movie that says this one ingredient is hidden everywhere and damaging lives. so tonight the challenge. could you go ten days sugar-free? plus, hollywood's new it girl, shailene woodley starring in what could be a teen summer blockbuster. "the fault in r stars." she's a red carpet regular with some interesting quirks. why does she eat clay? >> oh! >> and paul mccartney hospitalized. what is ailing the former